


Here We Stand

by ZombieRainbowRose



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Bromance, Dramedy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-05
Updated: 2015-03-05
Packaged: 2018-03-16 11:02:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 21,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3485858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZombieRainbowRose/pseuds/ZombieRainbowRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone believed if Kevin came back, everything would go back to the way things used to be – not just the fans, but the boys themselves. The thing is, nothing ever stays the same, and they’re no exception. The trick is knowing it, accepting it, and learning from it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Decision - Kevin

**Author's Note:**

> This was written before the documentary so please forgive me for any (now) inaccurate information :)

 

 

* * *

 

 

**The Decision - _Kevin_**  
  
It wasn’t planned you know.  
  
I’d just started thinking, when NKOTBSB was being talked about all over the media. It was weird; to see the four men I still considered my surrogate baby brothers all over the place again. Not on the level of say, 1999 of course, more on par with 2005, the last time I was part of that world. The fame, the hype, and all the insanity. I’d needed a breather. I wanted so many things and honestly, the price I thought would never be too high when it all started, suddenly seemed incredibly daunting.  
  
I started hating my job. _Job_. I never saw being a Backstreet Boy like that before. It used to be the _Dream_. Something I was blessed enough to live day to day and experience things that few people ever would. People would’ve killed to be me. I’m not saying that because I’m egotistical. I’m saying it because I used to feel that way myself. I’d see groups like Jodeci or Boys II Men and wonder what it would be like to do that all my life. Then, like an answered prayer, Lou came to me that fateful day at Disney World.  
  
That was obviously long before people were getting discovered on YouTube. Back then you really had to work for it. You had to push yourself on others. Just so you had a shot at getting lucky. I’m not going to say artists now don’t work hard. But I will say it’s a little easier to get in the business than it used to be. Nobody’s fault, simply more exposure.  
  
It’s just I’d gotten so bitter. I hated the way the label controlled us. I hated that all these songs we’d written or found from talented friends in the business had to get tossed aside cause of one idiot decision to let Johnny Wright be our manager again. We had so many gems, and I’m talking about the ones that didn’t get leaked to the internet. All to make an album that could’ve really stood out for us, an album that could’ve been real. The only songs we won the battles with were “Siberia”, and “Never Gone”. We’re lucky those made it to be honest.  
  
Then, MTV refused to play us. There was demand but they decided they didn’t want groups like us to be popular anymore. They didn’t care how many people called TRL. How do I know this? They actually had the nerve to tell us this when Johnny tried to arrange performances with them for our promo run. I was tired, tired of fighting, tired of everything. We weren’t welcomed, we were hated. And that’s not even touching on the paparazzi, remember this was right in the midst of the spawn of Satan (Paris Hilton) trying to give my baby brother hell.  
  
I was tired and I wanted out. But now, out just didn’t look so good anymore.  
  
You know, if Nick heard my thoughts right now, he’d say I need to condense this again.  
  
That leads me back to the fellas.  
  
It was this performance they were doing on the _Today Show_. Believe it or not, I did know about the fact they were touring with New Kids On The Block long before it happened. They warned me before it was even finalized. Nick had called me. Apparently they’d been afraid of how I would react to the entire idea. It was pretty funny. I’ve been out of the group for almost five years and they were still checking for my approval. Some things really do never change.  
  
I wasn’t happy about it. I just didn’t tell them that.  
  
How could I? What right did I have to say they were destroying all those years we fought against being compared to NKOTB? I hated being compared to them back in the day. I’m sure most fans know it too. I had my fair share of run-ins with them too and arguments when they heard what I’d said about them. Maybe I was harsh back then. At the same time, I wanted our group to stand on its own legs – especially since we were the group that actually _could_ sing. That’s how I thought back then.  
  
Now? I’ve grown. Still, those feelings were alive and well there, buried deep.  
  
But it was all this, that had me thinking about the group again, the way I hadn’t in years.  
  
“Kevin?” Brian’s voice snapped me back to reality. I’d invited him over to dinner that night while he was in Los Angeles for a “NKOTBSB” interview on KISS FM. I really didn’t like that name this whole event has. It makes them sound like this parodied super-boyband. I could almost feel my eyebrow twitching. Oddly enough, it felt like home. Cause to be honest, only Backstreet Boys related things were able to make that happen. Not even Mason has that talent yet.  
  
“Can you believe the group will coming upon twenty years?” I asked, before he could try and pry into my thoughts. Brian’s got this annoying habit of doing that. Wonder where he got it from?  
  
“Yeah, it’s weird, isn’t it?”  
  
“Right, seems like only yesterday that Nick was shorter than me and we shared a hotel room playing video games every night while we tried to make it big all over Europe.”  
  
I smiled at the image. Those had been simpler times.  
  
“Yeah and we had to watch anything we owned or you two did something to it.”  
  
“Hey, not our fault you used your shampoo without checking it. Besides, I think blue was a great color for your hair.”  
  
“And you wondered why I was so uptight back then.”  
  
He sent me a cheeky grin. “You were born that way.”  
  
I must have given him the look because he started laughing even harder. I rolled my eyes.  
  
“You know when you look like that it’s like you have a giant caterpillar living on your face?”  
  
“I think that line got old back in ’99 Bri.”  
  
He sat back, munching on the hot dog that had been momentarily ignored. We were sitting on my back porch, just enjoying the sunset. Kristen had taken Mason to the movies when I told her what I was thinking. I was pretty shocked she was so supportive. Then again, she was always artistic herself, of course she understood. It was a major reason why I loved her.  
  
“So what’s the real reason I’m here?” He asked, once again taking me out my reminiscing and back to reality. I think it’s too many years around Nick. I never used to space like this.  
  
I glanced back at my cousin. It’s weird that I never used to like hanging out with him as a kid. Then, we end up in the group together and while we’re family and always were, the group made us more so. To most I’m sure that wouldn’t make sense. The idea is that the group formed this bond of friendship that was never there when we were _just_ family.  
  
I sighed. I was nervous. I know, I know. Kevin, the backbone, the father figure, and the one everyone used to look to for strength in the group – nervous? But I was. I used to be all that. I wasn’t anymore, not for a few years. What if Brian wasn’t okay with this? What if I asked him and it turned out they were happier without me? I felt like a teenager about to ask a girl to his first dance. They always said I could come back. But what if they said that because they felt they had to?  
  
“I think it’s great, all the publicity this new tour is giving you guys.” I said instead.  
  
“I’m actually surprised about how nice those guys are. I didn’t expect that. Joey’s got a great voice.”  
  
 _He’s the only one_. I added on in my head, but it was better not to say that out loud. “Right, and people are interested again.”  
  
Brian nodded, staring at me expectantly. “It kind of feels like the old days.”  
  
“Do you ever miss it? When things seemed to be easier?”  
  
“Except they weren’t, between AJ, my surgery, Lou being a…”  
  
“Right. Well, I miss it at times.”  
  
That got him to pause. “You do? I thought you were happier acting.”  
  
“I was at first. But in the last year or so, I’ve missed music. I’ve missed touring, performing, traveling to all those crazy places with you guys.” There, I admitted it. I swallowed my pride and said what I was thinking. It’s not easy, especially for me. I always liked being the confident one, the one who never seemed to question any choices I made. I did though, all the time.  
  
“Are you saying you want to come back?”  
  
I nodded. “For good, not just for a night on stage, or the 20th anniversary coming up. I mean, after this whole NKOTBSB thing is over, I want to return.” I waited expectantly, here’s where I laid it all out. Now I could be easily rejected. It’s why I wanted to broach Brian with the subject before anyone else. Brian was easily one of the most honest. Nick I wasn’t sure anymore. AJ was painfully blunt; Howie would tell you what you wanted to hear. I sighed and expected the worst when he didn’t say anything.  
  
It was then he looked at me and gave me the biggest smile I’d seen in a long time.


	2. The Meeting - Nick

**The Meeting – _Nick_**  
  
When Kevin approached us, to tell us he wanted to come back, I gotta be honest. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. Part of me was thrilled. The man was this father that my own bastard of one never really tried to be unless money was involved. But at the same time, I felt abandoned when he left us the last time. It was like he was giving up on everything. Music, fame, the group… and me. I felt like it was my fault. I was the one destroying our reputation because of everything that Paris was spreading about me. I was too caught up in my own shit to even care if anyone else was unhappy. All I knew was that I was.  
  
So when he left, I blamed myself. I wasn’t in a good place. I made stupid choices. Like that reality show. That was a _huge_ freaking mistake if I ever made one. Sent myself even further in the gutter. I wanted to escape, to get distant. I delved further into alcohol, into drugs. I mean why did it matter, I figured. Kevin wasn’t in the group anymore. He didn’t care. So I figured if the one person I always counted on caring up and left, why should I bother giving a damn?  
  
Thoughts like that can kill you.  
  
It almost killed me.  
  
When I got word about my heart condition, it freaked me out. I realized I had to get my life together. But first off, I was angry. Angry enough to punch the wall near my bookshelf out of frustration. That was when a book fell, one I mostly ignored. Kevin had given it to me back in 2004, at the height of my mixed up bullshit. And all I did was stick it on a shelf. I probably would’ve tossed it had I not been afraid of Kevin asking about it one day. But that day seeing it fall caused me to take a better look at it. Anyone who’s seen any recent interviews of me lately knows the book I’m talking about.  
  
Why Some Positive Thinkers Get Powerful Results by Norman Vincent Peale.  
  
He knew I needed it. How? Well, Kevin always had a knack for knowing things like that. I stopped trying to figure out how. I’m pretty sure he even knew it would take me a few years to bother trying to read it. But once I did, it opened my eyes. It changed me. Suddenly, I was able to get my life turned around. I ditched everything I used as an escape. I stopped trying to change my family and just accepted it for what it was. I fell in love when I met Lauren. Without Kevin in the group, I found myself growing. He did leave a gap that we couldn’t quite fill when we did _Unbreakable_. When we started promoting _This Is Us_ , I started stepping up, doing what he did.  
  
It was weird, but part of me got satisfaction from it. That since he left, I’d replace him. Petty, sure. But that’s how I started doing it. After awhile, it came naturally. I was the one making a lot of calls to producers, writers, people who would never give us a shot normally, like T-Pain. Maybe the end result on the album wasn’t what I thought it would be, but hell, I worked my ass off to help get us some new contacts. We burned a lot of bridges when Jive cut us off at the legs by not letting us use a lot of songs for _Never Gone_. This was more about looking ahead.  
  
Now he wanted to come back. Part of me was bitter. How could I not be?  
  
I knew my thoughts sounded childish, but he shouldn’t have left if only to come back. We’ve been working our asses off since he left. We’re the ones who had to deal with the media fall out of him leaving. We’re the ones who continued to put up with all the political bullshit of the music business. He escaped before we got completely blackballed by radio. At least when he was still around radio stations were happy to play “Incomplete”. After he left we would submit songs we released as singles for radio play and we flat out got told no and laughed at. We’d get great interviews with radio stations and then only be told after that they weren’t planning on ever playing our music again. He wasn’t the one who had to stand up to Jive and finally find a way to break away the way we had. Though I’m sure he laughed when they folded just like we did. That’s karma baby.  
  
He got back in when we finally had something of ours was on the radio again. Sure it took a huge media gimmick with NKOTB to pull it off, but we pulled it off. Our promo single, “Don’t Turn Out The Lights”, for the tour was getting decent play for a group that was blackballed only the year before. When I first heard it on the radio I was almost as excited as I was when I heard “We’ve Got It Going On” getting played for the first time. I was that excited.  
  
I wanted him back; I’d missed having him around. And I didn’t want him back. He didn’t work to get out of the mess we landed in after we came back from our hiatus. Instead, he’d left. Part of me didn’t want him to enjoy the spoils of our hard won war. I didn’t know how I wanted it.  
  
It wasn’t like I could say no though, could I?  
  
Hell, I had no idea if I even wanted to say no.  
  
All of this was running through my head as I drove down the roads of LA. I’d just gotten back from my series of solo shows and promotional appearances in Germany. The tour would be starting soon but we had some time before. Mainly because they wanted to make sure I had all the steps down, I had to learn them through video while I was overseas. Not that I minded the extra work, I was doing what I loved.  
  
I heard my phone ring and I pressed a button along my steering wheel so it would come through the speakers. I miss the days when it was legal to drive and talk on the phone at the same time without having to make it come through your damn radio. Then again, I almost got into an accident doing that. But it wasn’t the phone’s fault, more the fact I’d been drunk off my ass at the time. Another time, another me.  
  
“Nick where are you?” Wow. We haven’t even met officially yet about Kevin being back and I was already getting the _Nick you’re late_ call. Okay, so maybe I overslept. What? I’d been busy as hell lately!  
  
Today was supposed to be a meeting at Kevin’s, now that he was coming back; we needed to work out a lot of shit. Especially since we weren’t going to have much time over the next couple months. I was tired thinking about it. Not the best day to run late, sure. And to be honest part of me wanted Kevin to see I’d grown up, I’d changed. I wasn’t that nineteen-year-old fuck up that I used to be. I wasn’t someone to watch over. I was an equal. I loved Kevin to death, but I’ve always felt he was superior, that he knew that too.  
  
“Are you listening to me?” Shit. Well, at least I haven’t forgotten how to tune him out.  
  
“I’m on my way. I just ran a little late.”  
  
“You mean you slept in late.”  
  
Sometimes it was annoying as hell, how well he knew me.  
  
“I’m almost there.” Hey, I could’ve prided myself on not whining, the old me would have.  
  
About ten – okay, okay, _twenty_ minutes later I was parked in front of Kevin’s place and heading up to knock on the front door. Before I could, Kevin stepped out and was waiting there for me. Great, just what I needed right? I rolled my eyes instinctively, and I immediately was rewarded with the dirty brow. It’s that look Kevin gives when he thinks we’re being too much. His eyes narrow and I swear to God those gigantic things he calls eyebrows grow even bigger. It’s scary.  
  
“Look, I’m sorry I’m late.” I wasn’t really, but I didn’t want him to think I was the same Nick from before.  
  
“It’s not that little man.” I wanted to smile. After all these years, I swear he still sees that scrawny, puny twelve-year-old I was when we first met. I had a serious case of hero-worship then, when it came to Kevin. And all I did was drive the guy insane – not that it wasn’t a short drive there or anything.  
  
“What’s up then?”  
  
He leaned back up against the door after closing it behind him. “I wanted to make sure you’re still okay with this.”  
  
“Why wouldn’t I be?”  
  
“Just a feeling I get. I’d understand if you weren’t.”  
  
I stayed quiet. How was I supposed to respond to that? Was I good to tell him how I felt? Or was it better to just keep my mouth shut and get over it? I didn’t know what to do. It almost felt like I was thrown back into time, back into the beginning. But, I wasn’t. Things had changed, I changed. It wasn’t how it used to be.  
  
“Hey, talk to me bro. I used to be able to get you to tell me everything.”  
  
I smirked. “That or you already knew and were waiting for me to admit it.”  
  
He laughed. “You weren’t hard to figure out. You still aren’t, but you’ve grown up. I’m proud of you, the way you got your life together, the way you’re able to handle yourself now. I’ve seen the interviews you did for the last album. At first I couldn’t believe this was the same guy who said he resigned in Florida.”  
  
“Am I ever going to live that down?” Even though I found myself joking, his words meant a lot. He _had_ noticed. I think I had the feeling you get when you finally do something to make your parents proud. I wouldn’t know, but I guess it’d be the same.  
  
“No, though I liked your phase _escape goat_ too.”  
  
I rolled my eyes.  
  
“How many times do you do that in a day?”  
  
“Not much until you came back old man!”  
  
“You’re old too now; you’re in your thirties, which if I remember right, is ancient in your world.”  
  
“Thirty-one is the new twenty –one, and you turn forty in a few months. Talk about ancient!”  
  
We both started laughing, reliving an old argument we both remembered well. I’d been calling Kevin old since I was twelve. I watched him, because I knew he wasn’t going to let the subject actually drop. He knew my tricks and I knew it wouldn’t work. I guess I went for it out of old habits.  
  
“Honestly, are you okay with this? You guys accomplished a lot after I left. I can see why you’d be upset about it. Like having me come back is cheapening it for you.”  
  
I let myself think about it. I mean _really_ think about it. Did I really want to have it just be the four of us taking the world on? The way it had been in the last four or so years?  
  
I shook my head and smiled. “Dude, of course I’m alright with it. Since when are you the one all unsure and shit? I thought that was my role in this crazy ass band.”  
  
“Things have changed man; I don’t think any of us have roles anymore.”  
  
He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and the two of us headed inside where we knew AJ, Brian, and Howie would be waiting for us. I knew how I felt about it now. I was glad to have Kevin back. Everything felt different; I didn’t know my place now in the group. The fact I didn’t know freaked me out a bit. Like how I felt during _Unbreakable_. I had no idea how I would handle it.  
  
The only think that helped, was the fact I knew that Kevin felt the same way.  
  
At last, we seemed to be equals.  
  
Or so I hoped.


	3. The Adjustments - AJ

** The Adjustments – _AJ_ **

“Okay, okay let’s try that again. AJ, you try singing a bit higher, you don’t have to cover my range anymore remember?”

So Kevin was still bossy as ever. And you know what? I was fucking thrilled.

_“Can you see me, here I am…”_

“Something’s still not right.” Great, now Nick’s deciding to nitpick. It’s almost like we have two damn Kevins. I love Kevin, the original one. I don’t need a blonde-mini-me though. Shit. One is plenty and perfect for the damn dynamic. I mean fuck, when Kevin left, I took it the worst. I’m sure Nick would tell you otherwise, but Kevin’s the dude who saved me. He’s the one who busted down my damn door to keep me alive. I hate to admit it, but part of me blamed Nick for him leaving. He’s the one who needed to get his shit together at the time.

I really hated when he left.

I didn’t blame him, hell no. I mean this shit got to me too. Why do you think I became an alcoholic? As much as I live this life, for a while I got lost in it. So yeah, I understood why he did it. I just hated that he had to leave. Couldn’t we just chill for a year and then come back? Or…something. I don’t know. It never felt right when he was gone. I know Nick liked it better; Kevin wasn’t on his ass anymore. Instead, musically Nick took the reins.

To be honest, we need someone on our ass about that. So I didn’t get mad when Nick did it. Brian didn’t want to, and Howie had a lot of the PR shit going. He’s the one who came up with the cruise idea. He saw how well it was working, how it would get press because it was a new trend, and went with it. Wasn’t the worst idea he’s ever had either.

I guess we all had new roles when I start thinking about it. Brian was the one keeping us organized, making sure we kept to schedule, suggested places we could go for promo to Jenn. I kind of just rode the wave. Sometimes I’d try and come up with lyrics and work with whatever writers and producers Nick dug up for us. Howie and I tended to get the most involved with the writing, though Nick and Brian would jump in sometimes too.

So I guess each of us took a piece of Kevin. Just, Nick took the most on. Like he wanted to prove we didn’t need him or something. Fuck that, of course we needed him. We work best with all five. I just think Nick needs to remember his old place.

“AJ are you paying attention?”

Wait, did _both_ of them really just ask that shit?

Both of them looked at each other. Brian just started laughing.

“And you thought Nick was ignoring everything you said all those years.”

I rolled my eyes at them.

“Aww Nicky’s all grown up now, he’s just like Kevin.”

“I’m not just like Methuselay”

“You mean Methuselah.”

“Yeah, that.”

So we started again and both of them forgot I was basically ignoring everything they said. Not on purpose, just thinking about things. We had the cruise coming up. That was going to be the first official test drive for all five of us. We announced back in October that Kevin would be hosting the beach party when we stopped off in Nassau. No one knew he was back for good yet. Sure we’d tease it, but we weren’t planning on announcing anything till next year at the earliest. I knew why that was even if no one said it.

We didn’t want to say it and then be fucked if it didn’t work. Ain’t that just positive thinking?

It was going to work out. It had to.

Then again…

_“Can you see me, here I am. Standing here, where I’ve always beeeeeeen!”_

“Bri, are you okay? Have you been sick or something? You sound off.”

We couldn’t even get the harmonies right. Fucking hell.

“I don’t sound off.”

This was about to get really ugly.

Like falling out of the fugly tree hitting every damn branch possible on the way down ugly.

Kevin crossed his arms, facing his cousin. Nick was staying quiet, can’t blame him. Howie was checking something on his phone. None of us wanted to say what Kevin had the balls to. This was why we needed him. We knew Brian’s voice was slowly going to shit, how could we not? I mean hell, I lurk forums when I’m bored and needed something to do. Fans noticed it. We noticed it. His voice was starting to crack more, break easy, and waver a lot more. We knew. During the NKOTBSB tour we all started doing things to rest our voices. But the real reason was we wanted to have Brian do it but didn’t want to single him out.

Yeah, we’re chicken shits.

But none of us talked to him about it. I know we should have, but we couldn’t. We didn’t suggest anything. We hoped Brian realized it and did something. Sometimes it worked, the tricks and drinks we used along the tour. He’d start sounding better. Nothing lasted too long though. I think it’s cause he never gave his damn voice a break. After _Never Gone_ , he did solo work. After that, we went to _Unbreakable_ , and then _This Is Us_. Now we’re doing NKOTBSB. He never gave it a rest and its showing and sounding shitty.

What bugged me though, was that Nick was the one riding us musically while Kevin was gone. He was so damn determined to take his place. But he didn’t have the guts to tell his best friend what was up. Okay, I didn’t either, but I wasn’t trying to run the show either. Kevin’s back not even that long and he’s asking the question we should’ve asked after Brian got the Swine Flu.

“Have you thought about seeing a vocal coach about it?”

“No, I don’t need one.” Yeah, and I have a head full of hair.

“Have you heard yourself man? I’m not saying this to be mean.” He walked over, putting his hand on Brian’s shoulder. Very typical big brother Kev behavior right there. Some things really never do change.”I’m saying it cause our voices are what got us where we are.”

“You say us like you didn’t give up for awhile while the rest of us kept fighting.” Whoa. Okay that was a low blow. Especially since Brian was all for it when Kevin told him first.

See, this is why no one said it. We knew he’d take is personally.

For the first time, someone actually silenced Kevin. He stood there, staring at Brian like he was seeing him for the first time. Brian just glared back at him. He looked around at the rest of us. No one knew what to say. It wasn’t often those two fought, but when they did none of us ever had a clue what to do. They were family, it made everything more personal than if the three of us were involved.

“I need some air.” He declared, before storming outside.

I sighed. I really wanted a smoke but if I went outside I’d be the one trying to fix this. I didn’t want to fuck it up worse by telling him his cousin was right. Howie shared a knowing look with Kevin that he didn’t think I caught.

“I’ll go talk to him.” He declared before hurrying out after Brian. I had faith in Howie; he had this subtle ass way of getting under your skin and making you realize you were being an ass without ever saying it out loud. He’s stealth, D was.

Nick glanced at Kevin. “None of us knew how to tell him.”

“How long has this been a problem?”

Nick didn’t answer.

“Fuck he started cracking around the time you left, but it wasn’t that noticeable till after he had swine flu.”

“Why didn’t any of you try to get him to see a vocal coach before now? You saw one Nick; you should’ve had him go with you.”

“I saw one after you left, we had to rework all the vocals then. We thought Brian was just having a hard time adjusting.”

Okay, that’s bullshit. “Bullshit Nick, we all noticed and knew but you didn’t want to tell him. You had no problem bossing us around every other way, but you couldn’t give it to Bri straight.”

“At least I was trying to keep us on spot. You didn’t tell him either.”

“I wasn’t trying to be the new Kevin. You were, and so you should’ve manned up and dealt with it.”

His brows rose as he stared me down. Yeah, I said it. Before he could respond though, Kevin pulled him off to the side. Those two always had this weird ass bond that none of us could touch. Part of me was jealous. I always was of those two. Nick wasn’t even sure he wanted Kevin back at first, he wouldn’t say it, but you could see it. Yet there they were, just the way they used to be. I always wanted that sort of bond with Kevin. I never had a father growing up, Nick did. In fact, he really had two. I headed outside. Screw it; I really needed that smoke now. Anything would be better than watching those two.

It really wasn’t fair.


	4. The Cruise - Brian

**The Cruise – _Brian_**  
  
I was happy when Kevin first told me he wanted to come back.  
  
It seemed like the old days at first, what few meetings we were having between the touring and the promotion and all the travel. I had almost forgotten what it was like to have a big arena tour like we had back in our _Millennium_ days. It felt great. Maybe it wasn’t as personal, but there was something to the fact we seemed to be heading back to make our mark again. For now, it was simply a nostalgia tour. But, I was confident it would lead to bigger things.  
  
Especially now that we were whole again.  
  
That was how I was thinking.  
  
Now, I was beginning to wish Kevin stayed out of the group. We weren’t those kids anymore than he had to keep under control. I know I tend to get hyper. I just love being in front of a crowd, seeing the joy on their faces light them up when they see us. I live for music, for performing. I think back to that fateful day when Kevin called me, and I can’t picture what I would’ve done with myself if that hadn’t ever happened.  
  
So maybe I _didn’t_ sound like I did back in the days where I could belt “One Last Cry” without missing a beat. Time happens. Age happens. Things change. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with my voice. I’ve just been tired. I still sound good though, I know I do! The others would’ve said something. Kevin’s just that anal and obsessive compulsive control freak when it comes to everything. He wants us to sound flawless. It’s nice to say but it doesn’t mean it’s possible. All we can do is sound our best.  
  
We’d been fighting ever since that day he told me to look into a vocal coach.  
  
A vocal coach, could you believe it?  
  
The way I figured it, if I was as bad as Kevin said, someone would’ve told me before now.  
  
“Brian?” I turned towards Leighanne who was sorting through some of her things. I felt bad for asking her to come on the cruise with me now. I’d forgotten we had a full charter which meant a lot less time to ourselves. Our fans were having a ball. You could see it on their faces anytime you passed them by. Part of me missed the relaxation of last year’s however. We only had half the boat, but it meant we only had to do each activity once. It was kind of like a working vacation, this time it’s just work. But I don’t mind, I love what we do.  
  
“Brian?”  
  
“Hmm?” I asked as I mentally kicked myself for spacing out again. Part of the problem was that it was the second day of the cruise, and that meant Kevin would be meeting with us here in Nassau. It was only 7:30 in the morning so we were due to dock soon. We only had once meeting since our blow out, and it wasn’t what I would call conductive. Howie was the one who had to keep the peace. That used to be his old role too, back in the day.  
  
I guess a few things never did change.  
  
“Are you alright?”  
  
I nodded. No, they weren’t. I had to act like everything was okay today, that we were united. Then again, we hadn’t announced it yet. We had to make sure everything worked before declaring Kevin was back for good. Maybe it wouldn’t work. Wait, since when did I become the negative one? I usually left that to AJ.  
  
“Then you should go find the others, we’re docking.” She reminded me, glancing out the window of our suite.  
  
I walked out into the hallway and before I could blink I almost slammed into AJ. He was probably coming to get me. Backwards from how it usually was. Wow, this whole Kevin thing had me a bit out of sorts. But why shouldn’t I be? I was offended. I hated fighting, especially with family. And I know I couldn’t complain to anyone. Nick’s always had this bond with Kevin, and AJ idolized him. Where was Howie when I needed him?”  
  
“Howie’s getting breakfast at the buffet with Nick.” AJ told me like he just read my mind.  
  
“I don’t know how they can eat the food on here.” I really didn’t. For a cruise line, you would think the food would taste good. Nope!  
  
“Howie eats anything, you know that. Nick…” He smirked. “If he’s hungry enough he doesn’t taste it. You alright Rok?”  
  
I think AJ was the only one who still called me that. Most of our nicknames had been abandoned over the years. I can’t remember the last time Nick called me Frick, or I called him Frack. We’ve repaired a lot of the damage to our friendship over the past couple years after Kevin left, but we still couldn’t go back to that. No one called Howie “Sweet D” anymore, and “Bone” was a relic name of the 90’s. The relationships changed along with that I suppose.  
  
“Yeah, just…nostalgic.”  
  
“Or thinking all to hell cause you gotta deal with Kevin.”  
  
Leave it to AJ to get right to the point.  
  
We walked through the halls, security trailing behind us to keep the mob of fans from getting too close. That was the other bad thing about a full charter. There were a lot more fans and nowhere to hide. Some were really respectful. They kept their distance and perhaps just waved as they walked by. Like last night, at the 80’s deck party, I saw a fan dressed up in this great Michael Jackson _Thriller_ costume, and her friend was done up as an 80’s zombie. All they did was wave and grin when I started singing and kept going to their room. Others would’ve mobbed me, or started screaming. I never did get the screaming thing. Like this one fan that’s constantly wearing a crown and seems to always be following one of us around the boat. I thought if I took a picture with her last night she’d stop. But I saw Q stop her out of the corner of my eye when I bumped into AJ.  
  
I wonder, why she was wearing that anyway?  
  
I’ll never understand some fans.  
  
“You’re doing it again.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Zoning out!” He rolled his eyes as we went down to the lowest floor and went through the checkpoint so that we could get to our shuttle. Thank the Lord no one else was allowed to disembark yet besides us! Howie and Nick were already waiting in the shuttle when we got in. Nick was typing into his laptop; I swear he carried that thing everywhere these days. Probably a song or something, he was doing that a lot lately.  
  
“Brian…” Howie started, looking at me cautiously.  
  
“We need to talk to you.” He nudged Nick, who looked up and definitely appeared like he wanted to be doing anything but having whatever conversation they were stepping into.  
  
“Dude, Kevin was right before. We just were cowards and didn’t know how the hell to tell you.”  
  
Nick still said nothing.  
  
I had no idea what to say. I glared at AJ who was now trying to stare out the window. “You have no room to talk; your voice has been going bad thanks to your smoking habit.”  
  
“But Brian…” Nick said, almost whispering. “You’re cracking more than you think.”  
  
He hit something on his computer and then turned it towards me so I can see. It was our performance of “Don’t Turn Out The Lights” and “I Want It That Way” from _Dancing With The Stars_. I watched, and really listened for the first time. I could feel my face go red. I had no idea what to say. Maybe…maybe they were right. What was I going to do? Singing was my life. If my voice went, I’d have nothing. I even did these recordings for a mini-Christmas album with Leighanne that she was going to put up for sale the day after the cruise. She said I sounded great. Was she only telling me what I wanted to hear? I handed the computer back to Nick, and kept to myself the rest of the way.  
  
I had no idea what to say. All I knew, was that I felt like an ass.  
  
Also, for the record, try not to take a shuttle in the Bahamas.  
  
I’m sure we almost died a good five times on the way there.  
  
I spent most of the way praying we didn’t.  
  
****  
  
After we sound checked that morning at the resort, I did my best to avoid them. Especially Kevin. I was never any good at admitting I was wrong. Even when I knew it was partly my fault Nick and I had gotten so distant, it took him approaching me first before I apologized for my share of it. I was a little stubborn, I had too much pride. We’d gone and taken little separate tours of the island, a way to relax and waste time before the fans showed up. That, and I think we all wanted space from each other, because of me. I felt guilty about that even though I did nothing to relieve it. Once we were inside the resort, we were still missing one. For the record, this was why we didn’t come out till long after the beach party was supposed to start. It was Nick’s fault for choosing that horrible driver. He was the one who decided to get in the taxi that was all dented and bent on one side! What was he thinking?  
  
Oh right, that it would be “an adventure”.  
  
Sometimes I think that boy is looking to get himself killed.  
  
Basically it almost got into another accident and then got lost coming back here. Typical Backstreet chaos for you! But once we did finally make our way out there, and started the games, I felt myself ride the familiar rush that came with doing anything for our fans. It’s easy to forget any drama going on when you were able to be on that high. These were the ones who stuck it out, long after it became lame to like us anymore. They were the ones who were fans because they loved our music instead of because the media told them to. That’s what made things like this feel so good. It was why I loved being a singer.  
  
It’s why it scared me so much, hearing that my voice was starting to deteriorate.  
  
It wasn’t until after musical chairs, and the stage hands were setting things up for the three legged race that Kevin was able to come up to me. AJ, Howie, and Nick had all gone to eat and hide out in their tents. I couldn’t blame them, I wanted to eat but part of me just loved the attention. I braced myself for whatever my cousin had to say now. The mics were off, so we knew the fans wouldn’t be able to hear us above all their screaming. More than anything, they were thrilled to have Kevin back. He ended up signing autographs again and again for so many people that day; I could see how much he missed it.  
  
“You know why I told you right?”  
  
I glanced over him as he put his arm around me. “Because you don’t want to come back just to have me sound bad, right?”  
  
He shook his head. “No, because I love you enough bro, that I had to be honest with you. I plan on the five of us being able to perform for a long time. I know how much you love it, love this, remember?”  
  
Leave it to Kevin to make you feel so small, while feeling so good, at the same time.  
  
Good to know he hadn’t lost his touch


	5. The Announcement - Howie

** The Announcement – _Howie_ **

Part of me was wondering if we were ready.

It’s been a little over a year since Kevin first came to Brian saying he wanted to come back. But were we ready? Sure we were practicing vocals, having meetings to settle things out with Kevin’s return. All of that was done now. But we hadn’t tried recording anything yet, writing music, deciding anything about the next album. That was usually where our biggest blow outs came from. And even without that, we had Brian and Kevin fighting. Thank god they worked that out. Now I was singing with Brian on many of his solos to back him up and cover up some of the shakiness. Once the tour was over he agreed to see a vocal coach. Until then, I helped him out. It was a lot harder to spot with two voices.

I guess my other concern was becoming invisible within the group again.

Not with the others. Believe it or not I was never ignored by the group. By management? Sure. The label? Definitely. But AJ, Kevin, Nick, and Brian – they always did their best to show they appreciated me. I was always the one fighting to make sure we didn’t get screwed again. It was a hard lesson to learn from Lou, but we learned it so I did a lot of reading and researching into the business to keep us safe. I made mistakes, but while Kevin protected them individually, I protected us all together. I guess it comes with being the two oldest in the group.

After Kevin left, I wasn’t up for the idea of being _New Kevin_. I think we needed a break from how anal and nagging he could be with our lives. We loved him, but only he could do that really. So each of us took on his duties and ignored those two. The biggest change came with the vocals. It was always Nick, Brian, and AJ in front while Kevin and I were shoved into the back. He’d never admit it, but I think that was part of why he left too. You can only take so much. I used to be frustrated with it, but at the same time I couldn’t see myself doing anything else. I didn’t want to go solo, at least not then.

Without him though, they couldn’t have me back there anymore. You can’t have three leads and a backup. It just doesn’t work. So suddenly on the new songs, I was given solos. Which was good because it took some pressure off Brian, this was when his voice was just beginning to show some strain. I was given Kevin’s old solos, the two that existed on our old singles. It made no sense in a way since my voice doesn’t go that low. But I knew they were afraid of me leaving too. If not them, then management and the label were.

It was nice. I got appreciation from the fans too. _Finally_ they know I do more than just wink!

Today was the day we were announcing it and part of me was wondering why Kevin wasn’t going to come on stage with us when we did it. I think I’m the only one who was thinking that though. He came here to London with us. We didn’t tell the fans, but it was so we could start scouting out places to stay for when we came back to do some recording in July. The idea was to hole up, just the five of us like we did in the Bahamas for _Black and Blue_. God, that was over ten years ago now. That’s insane.

We hadn’t found one to rent that we all agreed on yet, but we did find a studio.

Oh, and producers to work with. Ha! We’re not just has-beens people want to avoid.

Kevin flew back today. Maybe he didn’t want to be around NKOTB. I think his last surprise appearance about killed him. He made it very clear that he wasn’t getting involved with them. He’s never liked them, never will. He and Danny ran into each other once after a concert in Boston during the _Never Gone_ tour, after Kevin talked about them, well unkindly in an interview. They almost had it out right then and there.

That, and I think he’d kill Jordan the moment he opened his mouth to sing. I’d never tell the guy, he really is nice, but he has some serious pitch issues! It’s amazing my ear drums have survived this tour. And it makes me thankful that Lou, when he formed our group, made sure to advertise for a group that only “looked” like NKOTB but sounded like Boyz II Men. I don’t know how Joey handles it.

Yeah, New Kids are probably the reason.

They were performing now. AJ looked nervous as we waited beneath the stage. He kept running a hand through his hair. He did that a lot now, actually. Maybe it’s the whole novelty of actually having hair again. Yes ladies, he finally caved and got hair plugs. All those years of claiming he didn’t care that he had the hairline shape of a penis, and he ended up getting plugs.

It looked okay, mostly.

I walked over to him, pretending to examine his hair. He jerked around, staring at me.

“What?”

“They did a good job, but I think they missed a spot.”

His hands reached up and started patting the top of his head frantically. “What do you mean they missed a spot?!”

Sometimes AJ can be such a girl.

“It’s just a little patchy that’s all.”

“Patchy!? Patchy?!” He ran over to where Brian was standing. AJ was easier to pick on than normal these days. Ever since he found Rochelle was pregnant, actually. Part of me was thrilled for him. The other part was frightened that someday there’d be a mini-AJ roaming the world.

I could hear him asking Brian manically about his hair. Me? I just kept laughing. People think I don’t really have a sense of humor. They think I’m just the quiet one. Nah. I’m just slicker about it. I had to be. You really think back in the day I wanted Kevin on me? I saw what happened to AJ and Nick so I was smart about it. I glanced over at Nick, who was checking something on his phone. I headed over to him.

Nick kept to himself a lot lately. I couldn’t blame him. It’s been like that since February. No one saw Leslie’s death coming. What I was able to glean from Kevin (the only person he seemed to talk to about it) was that Nick was planning to go to the funeral until Jane called and blamed everything on him. So he didn’t go. He told the rest of us that he’d been busy on his mini solo tour, and that he didn’t want to inadvertently bring any media to it. We all knew it was a bunch of crap, but none of us called him on it.

He did what Nick always does when life gives him trouble – he dove into music. That’s what he did when we were trying to deal with AJ when he first went to rehab back in 2001. He wrote and he wrote and found people who wrote songs he liked. That’s why it didn’t take him long to churn out a solo album. It was the only way he knew how to deal with the rest of us fighting, what he thought would be the end of the group. That’s why I was the only one besides Kevin who supported him at the time.

He did it again during his taping of House of Carters; he was supposed to release a solo album back then too. Not sure why he changed his mind. Personally I’m just glad he decided never to do a reality TV show ever again. That was not one of his brighter ideas. I got where he was coming from though, unlike Brian. Still not sure why he had himself blurred out. It’s not like people didn’t realize it was him. Hmm.

So him diving into music again, writing for the group this time, instead of just for him… well it told me Nick was having problems coping. If he had moved on and accepted it the way he was claiming to, he wouldn’t be writing every moment he has any free time. He puts on a good act though. Fans would never guess. I had the years of knowledge that come from growing up with the booger. Yes, I said he’s a booger. You try growing with the kid when he’s constantly putting food on your face any time you’re asleep!

So many thoughts about this kid ran through my brain as I placed my hand on his shoulder.

I saw the little file opened on his phone. I was right – more lyrics.

“You okay Nick?”

“Yeah.” He gave me the smile. You know what one I mean. The one that could sucker any female within a fifty mile radius. “I’m alright.”

“Are you sure?”

I think that was when he realized I was talking about more than just that very moment. I could see the pain flash across his eyes. If anyone could understand, I could. Maybe not fully, Leslie’s death was sudden. My sister’s, well, we’d seen it coming. The pain is the same though, no matter what the circumstances. The most you can do is hope for it to fade as time goes on.

Nick would’ve talked to me right then. I know it. Unfortunately, I could hear the last of Jordan’s ear-splitting pitchy screeches end. Luckily I’ve learned to make sure I tune out their song “I’ve Been Loving You” during the North American leg. We were up. I could almost see the shutters go down on his face. His fan face came on in an instant. He grinned at me and nodded as he put the phone away. Up we went to perform the song that had long ago become our trademark.

_“You are…my fire…”_

I still wondered how we became known for the song that doesn’t even make a lick of sense!

You know how many times we’ve debated over what this song is about? It’s ridiculous. Nick actually had the nerve to go to Max Martin one day, during our recordings for _This Is Us_ and ask him. He didn’t have an answer. So even the writer had no clue! Then again, we did record an alternate version. One that actually made sense and had meaning. And you know what? It wasn’t as catchy. Go figure.

It’s amazing how I could have these random thoughts while performing this song. But it’s automatic. We could all perform this song in our sleep and have no problems. It’s up there with “Quit Playing Games” in that respect. At the end of the song we ended up back at the top of what the fans of both us and NKOTB dubbed as the “Penis Stage” one night on twitter. It even trended. Now I think of it that way unconsciously. There’s something ironically funny about a tour with nine guys, a ton of screaming women, and a stage shaped like that.

This was it. Now we were going to tell the world what we’d been hiding.

Brian was talking about how long both groups had been around. Why does he count the years NKOTB had been split up? It made no sense. Oh well. Now Nick’s flirting a bit with the fans and talking up the other group. They really are good guys. I just sometimes didn’t like how we got compared to them, same as Kevin.

“I think we should let them in on the secret that we have.” ‘Nick teased, like we hadn’t been planning this all along. As soon as we learned this would be streamed online and in theaters, we knew this would be the best time to tell the fans. It couldn’t be more perfect if we tried.

“What, what is that secret…” Brian continued.

“Since we love you guys _so much_ , especially London…that, we are gonna come back. We wanna let you know that we’re gonna be back in July to record the _next_ Backstreet Boy album, this year!”

There’s nothing better than to hear fans screaming when you announce new music.

“Wait wait what…Cause there’s two parts to that secret though, you told the first part…should I tell them the second part?”

I grinned as Nick stared Brian down. Watching those two was too much sometimes. In some ways, they were still Frick and Frack. Not all ways, but some. In that _those two are complete hams_ way. In that, _I’m never going to understand_ way. And of course that _why haven’t these two been committed_ way. Crazy, the both of them.

“Don’t do it Brian.”

“Go for it!” I chimed in, better to do that than laugh.

“Do it!” I could hear AJ add.

“NO!”

The fans were eating it up. I loved my job. We all did.

“Here?”

Brian beamed as he leaned back and announced it. “And Kevin is coming back!”

The screams that followed were deafening. The four of us took it in. I could feel the excitement rushing through us. Before now, we were just playing with the idea. There we room to back out if we felt it wasn’t going to work. Now, the fans knew. Now, we’d be dealing with press calls later that night. Jenn was arranging them so that word spread.

_Now_ , I thought to myself as I stared out into the crowd. _It really begins_.


	6. Fly Away - Group

**Fly Away – _Group_**  
  
I can’t believe we’re all on the same plane. Whose idea was this?  
  
Oh wait, now I remember.  
  
 _Ninety nine bottles of coke on the wall…ninety nine bottles of coke…_  
  
I swear Nick reverted back to being nineteen today. Well, actually, he does on all flights. I think it’s his fear of heights. Brian tries to sleep, Howie tries to sleep, AJ goes with the flow, and Nick goes on a mission to make everyone’s heads explode. It’s like clockwork really. I really wanted to kill Howard this time. Yeah, I said _Howard_. He suggested we all fly out here together. All while grinning at me. Why? Because usually we paired off when we took separate flights over the years.  
  
In the past I always stuck him with Nick, while Brian and I took on AJ.  
  
I don’t think that was so wrong, Nick always enjoyed being with Howie.  
  
Revenge is hell.  
  
 _Ninety five bottles of coke on the wall…ninety five bottles of coke…take one down, pass it around…_  
  
Especially when Nick is sitting on one side of me and AJ on the other. You know who got the tickets?  
  
I glanced across the aisle where he was snug in his window seat, contentedly reading a book. To be honest I’m surprised he’s not sleeping. Then again how could he with all this singing? He simply smirked at me. Oh when we got to London I was going to make sure Nick’s room was right next to his. Then again, since Nick’s grown up a lot, that’s not the best revenge anymore. Hmm.  
  
Not that I’ll admit this, but I missed this.  
  
Yes, even Nick’s insanity.  
  
It was good to be back.  
  
*****  
  
“Kevvvy-Kiiiins…”  
  
I love seeing his forehead vein throb. Sometimes it’s fun to act like I used to. It still works! That and he started staring off into that space he always gets to when he’s thinking about something. Then this really creepy grin appeared on his face. I had to make sure he wasn’t plotting my death or something as AJ continued to sing.  
  
 _Eighty five bottles of coke on the wall…eighty five bottles of coke…take one down, pass it around…_  
  
“What?”  
  
“Nothing, you just started looking like Norman Bates dude.”  
  
“Well since my mother’s still alive I’m pretty sure I’m not going to act like the guy in _Psycho._ ”  
  
I beamed at him. Then I wondered how it was possible that Howie was awake and Brian was asleep. That’s just weird. I could see Howie trying not to laugh and hiding it in his book. Usually it’s the other way around; then again maybe Brian learned how to tune us out finally. Damn, time to start changing our methods!  
  
“What you could do is start killing off Boyband members and hiding them in your closet.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “You don’t have Chris Kirkpatrick in your closet do you?”  
  
AJ lowered his shades. “Chris K is trapped in the closet…” He sang, and I started busting up. I loved South Park. “I was just sitting here only to find out Kevin has Chris in the closet…”  
  
Kevin rolled his eyes but I knew he wanted to laugh. He loved that show too.  
  
“And I pull out my gun!”  
  
Kevin screamed playfully. See! The guy did have a sense of humor. He just kept it hidden.  
  
“Somebody better get Chris out of the closet before I cap this bitch…”  
  
“I always knew Lance couldn’t be the only gay one in that group.”  
  
“You’re both insane.”  
  
I leaned over into his seat, grabbed his face and planted a huge kiss on his cheek.  
  
“Insanity loves company!”  
  
I know I’m older and wiser now, but sometimes it’s just fun to relive the good ole’ days… as Kevin would say. Just don’t tell him that. Otherwise the others will think I’m just like him or something.  
  
Scary thought!  
  
*****  
  
I couldn’t help but laugh from where I was sitting. And Nick wondered why the media thought people in Boybands were gay? I’m pretty sure that all started because of him and Brian over the years. I love Nick, and I know better, but I never understood why people thought I was the gay one, when Nick’s probably the touchiest person I know. He’s always hugging or licking or something.  
  
Wow that sounded wrong.  
  
See what I mean?  
  
I glanced down at Brian who was sleeping away. Usually that was me but for once I wasn’t tired and I think it put them all into shock. That and watching Kevin be stuck between AJ and Nick was too funny. How many years had I been on the receiving end of Nick during flights? Payback was great. Part of me really missed Leigh and James already though. We were going to be in London for three weeks. No wives and no family. It was really going to simply be the five of us. It felt like the old days. I think the last time we did this was for _Black and Blue_ when we went to the Bahamas. After that, wives and girlfriends suddenly came along for the ride.  
  
It might explain a few things to be honest.  
  
That may be mean, but it’s the truth. One of the things I loved about Leigh was the way she’d always step back and let me do my thing when I had to. She knew going in I was a performer, hell she worked for us, it was how I met her. You could say the same for Kristen, Lauren, and Rochelle really. Even if the last two only became part of our world recently. Leighanne on the other hand was something different. I always was able to get along with her, so was AJ. Kevin and Nick? Never. Nick’s gotten better; his was this whole jealousy thing about her taking away Brian. Which, to be fair, she did. She didn’t like Nick and for awhile so she got Brian to be distant when Nick was going through a rough time and likely needed him the most.  
  
And now, of course she was always sticking her nose into Backstreet business. It’d been an issue ever since _Millennium_ , and one of the many reasons we fought so much during _Black and Blue. Never Gone_ she backed off till Kevin decided to leave. Then she started blasting him every time she had a chance to with fans. She’s never liked Kevin either. Kevin always thought the group decisions should be ours and she always thought she deserved a say. Kevin being the control freak he was… well, you can see how that could go sour.  
  
I watched Brian sleep peacefully. I’m still amazed Brian went for the “no women” rule.  
  
“Hey Howie…” AJ whispered as he crept up behind Brian’s seat. “Watch this…”  
  
*****  
  
I was trying my damndest not to laugh as Nick handed me some food he just bought from the stewardess. This was the type of shit we usually did to Howie. For once he’s not asleep! It’s a miracle. But hey, Rok was out so hell yeah we were going to pick on him. Had it been so long since we all shared a flight that he forgot the number one rule of Backstreet?  
  
Never fall asleep if Nick and I are still awake.  
  
Fuck, it just gives us an opening. These damn things get boring, the movies suck, and the women aren’t with us. I’m sure the other passengers on first class were pretty W-T-F about us, but eh, when have I cared what people thought of me? People I didn’t know, I mean. I hate to say it but I care a lot about what people in my life think about me. I want them to love me and like me. It’s why I used to change my look all the damn time. Famous around the world and I couldn’t manage to figure out who I was for years.  
  
At least Rochelle loved me.  
  
As I started placing the food carefully on Brian’s face, I couldn’t help but think about how much I was missing her. Up until the NKOTBSB where we announced Kevin's return I hadn’t told anyone outside my circle the news yet. About how she was pregnant. I was going to be a father. Me! It scared me, a lot. That's why I'd kept quiet. She was pregnant. I was going to be a father. All I knew was that I was going to be there. I’d never let my child wonder what he or she did wrong in his or her life to chase me away. I don’t know what it is yet, but my money is on it being a girl. Just cause I’d be the one to fuck up the “Backstreet Boy” baby trend.  
  
A flash brought me out of my thoughts.  
  
Trust Nick to take a picture of this.  
  
I started laughing until I saw Brian’s eyes open.  
  
Trust Nick to also not think of the fact that a flash would wake Brian up!  
  
*****  
  
I’d been having a good dream.  
  
It was about Leighanne and Baylee. I really thought doing this just the five of us was a good thing. Still, I wasn’t used to being away from them during recording anymore. I hadn’t even been away for two days and I already missed them like crazy. In my dream, she was right here with me. Baylee was sleeping while we joined the mile high club for the tenth time…  
  
Till a sudden bright light almost blinded me, even with my eyes shut. Slowly I opened them. My face felt weird. I saw Nick and AJ hovering above me looking very guilty. It reminded me of how Nick and I would look when we messed with Howie. Howie, who had his nose in a book and doing his best to hide the fact he was laughing like crazy. My face felt…sticky. I pulled out pieces of meat from my face, looked at my hands to find them covered with jelly. Kevin was watching and smirking. I’m surprised he wasn’t getting after them for it. Not that they’d listen, but that small fact never stopped him before.  
  
I bet I looked hilarious. I needed to see the picture Nick had to have taken later.  
  
Part of me wanted to get mad, but I found myself laughing. It felt good. Besides I should’ve known better than to sleep! It felt like we were thrown back into time, when we had one old tour bus, we shared hotel rooms, and we were just starting out. In some ways it was the same. We were starting anew as the five of us again. That’s what made us as close as we are now. We didn’t have it as easy as NSYNC did. But working so hard to climb our way up, those years on a budget where we shared everything, it made us brothers. We had our issues, we had our fights, but here we were. I only hoped we’d be able to survive whatever came next.  
  
Either way, I was really looking forward to the next three weeks.  
  
 _So tell me what you want, what you really really want…_  
  
I'm not even going to ask why AJ started singing “Spice Girls” though!


	7. The New Home - Howie

**The New Home – _Howie_**  
  
I don’t know what we were thinking; letting AJ pick the place we were going to live at for the next month. Really, you’d think we’d know better by now after almost nineteen years. It’s right up there with letting Nick choose the place. Actually, as I got out of the van and looked up at the house, I realized it was the exact type of place Nick would end up moving us to. I wouldn’t be surprised if Nick’s known about it from AJ and didn’t tell us about it because he loved it so much. It was an older house, something almost straight out of a horror movie. I was waiting for bats to appear.  
  
Lightening did strike in the background – typical London stormy weather.  
  
Brian got out and bolted inside of the house, practically shoving me aside. Nick was right behind them. I knew what that was about. Same competition as always.  
  
“I get the master bedroom!”  
  
“No way! I’m bigger than you so I deserve the bigger room!”  
  
Yes, they still have that argument.  
  
“Isn’t it great?” It sounded like he was talking about Diddy’s mansion from how excited he was.  
  
With five seconds AJ already had his phone out and started trying to film. I’m shaking my head as he started doing a retake. Of course not even five minutes comes by and I can hear Nick talking loudly about some of the artwork and Brian singing in the hallway. I wonder what his vocal coach told him. Believe it or not, he hasn’t told us anything about it. Only that he’s going.  
  
Kevin was laughing as he got walked up beside me calmly.  
  
“You’re the one who said you missed us.” I reminded him with a smirk.  
  
He shook his head, chuckling. “So things haven’t changed at all.”  
  
I shrugged as we headed inside, looking around. “They did but I think you caused them to regress.”  
  
“Not sure if I should feel honored or annoyed.”  
  
I snickered. “Probably a mix of both.”  
  
I grabbed up my suitcases out of the van and started walking inside. All I knew was that my room wasn’t going to be anywhere near Nick’s. I know Kevin and I’m sure he was thinking he’d do that as revenge and no. I may be the one known to sleep anywhere but if Nick got hyper, life got very frustrating for the man known as Sleepy Backstreet. The house wasn’t too big, it was pretty modest really but that was fine by me. Close quarters didn’t bother me. We were going to have to make sure all five of us were used to it soon enough anyway. I made my way towards the back since Nick had gone upstairs saying he needed to explore.  
  
I raised a brow at some of the paintings.  
  
Definitely an AJ styled home.  
  
Why do I say that? Because it was creepy yet weird at the same time. A lot of it had demons in it, naked demons in some strange positions or doing some random things. I’m sure Brian’s praying for his soul right now in his room. I didn’t hear him singing throughout the house anymore at least. I don’t say that to be mean. I love Brian; he’s my brother in every sense. But sometimes he could make you want to throw something at him. His aversions to after parties (where all that’s needed is for him to hype up the crowd the way Nick and I do) had nothing to do with Leighanne and everything to do with how wrong he thought they were. How he justified the cruises I’ll never know. But it makes Brian, Brian.  
  
I smiled to myself as I entered the room. I wonder if Nick and AJ knew there were two master bedrooms. Guess not from the looks of it. I tossed my stuff on the bed and declared in claimed by Backstreet law. Whoever’s stuff was in there first got the room. I could hear my stomach rumbling since I couldn’t stand airline food and decided not to linger in there long. Unpacking can happen later as I Skype with Leigh and James. It wasn’t hard to miss them already yet I wasn’t regretting the _Backstreet Only_ rule we agreed on before flying over. Sometimes you had to take away all the distractions to finally let yourself dive into that whole well of creativity.  
  
When I made my solo album _Back To Me_ , I literally avoided everyone as much as possible during the process. I ignored phone calls, turned off my computer and just let myself get wrapped into the lyrics as I wrote. As I recorded the songs I told my wife not to go with me to the studio. She understood then, just like now. I love that about her. A lot of people expected something different from me I know, some Spanish album or something. I’d thought about that as I looked at possible directions. But, it just wasn’t me. I love my Puerto Rican roots but the music I made was the music I _wanted_ to make.  
  
Now that we were here and free from Jive’s clutches – I wanted the same for The Backstreet Boys.  
  
I think we all did to be honest.  
  
“How is it Kevin snagged the Master when you we were in here first?” I heard Brian ask as I entered the kitchen, bringing my thoughts back to the here and now. Which of course meant more arguing over the housing arrangement. They didn’t need to know about my room yet.  
  
Nick was leaning against the counter, eying Brian who was sitting at the black marble bar on one of the stools there. “Hell if I know. Man what happened to Kevin just letting us fight over it to shut us all up?”  
  
I snickered. “Aww, is Kevin different than you remember Nicky?”  
  
He shrugged a bit, looking at me while mulling over my words. “Actually yeah.”  
  
“What you expected him to take charge again?”  
  
“Sort of. Isn’t that what he does?”  
  
I went to the fridge, checking out what’s inside. Of course there was nothing. Heaven forbid any of us have the foresight to have the landlord stock up the fridge for us. I blame AJ. I know the fans like to blame everything on Nick and you know it’s usually his fault but this time it’s AJ! He rented the house, decided he had to be in charge of it and now we didn’t even have food. I know if I say let’s go get some I’ll end up with a very hungry pair of blondes going with me. Then again, I’d be sticking Kevin with AJ.  
  
The thing about AJ is that when it comes to Kevin, it’s complicated.  
  
Like Kevin’s always been a father figure to the two youngest. Simple as that. But he’s always had this crazy bond with Nick. I don’t know why but those two were able to relate in ways no one actually got. Especially if you knew just how often those two fought. It used to be I’d have to calm Nick down constantly from whatever Kevin told him. But you’d also see Kevin helping Nick through whatever issue he had first. It kind of killed AJ that he had to share him.  
  
So sometimes he’d sort of shadow him when he could. AJ’s weird.  
  
“Things changed.” Brian answered for me as I shut the fridge again. “Kevin started hating being that after awhile, it’s part of why he decided he was done. Maybe he doesn’t want to do that again.”  
  
Nick frowned, scratching the bridge of his nose. “But Jenn’s not here, we don’t have a label…”  
  
“This means we’ll have to act like adults and actually try to agree on things.” Kevin finished for him as he stepped into the kitchen. Before I could even ask about the member missing he continued. “AJ’s currently on the phone with Rochelle and asking about her doctor visit.”  
  
It was weird but even though Nick had been saying since day one of all this starting up again that he wanted to be sure Kevin didn’t see him as a kid anymore, he didn’t look as happy about the idea of _not_ having someone in charge. I was kind of relieved. We could submit songs maybe as a group and just see which ones vibed the best. Not do it because we had to have some genre or because the label decided for us.  
  
The freedom was so new to us.  
  
Sure I had it for my solo album. Nick had it for his too. Neither of us had had legitimate labels. We had distribution deals in certain countries, the ability to put it on a website or iTunes, and that was about it. Neither of us had charted remarkably on the Billboard charts. Most people didn’t even know about the albums outside the fanbase. Both of us, I think, were okay with that. Because we’d gotten the chance to put out the music we’d wanted to. To show the world who we were outside of Backstreet whether our fans believed it or not. I love them but sometimes they think they know who they are better than us.  
  
This was different though, _so_ different. The media wouldn’t ignore us as a group and we didn’t want them to. We’d decided already that we were going to let the world believe this was a reunion for our twentieth anniversary. Another thing that’d drive our fans insane. But let’s be honest, it was good business because it created more hype and it sounded better. People didn’t know about _Unbreakable_ or _This Is Us_ outside those who were fans anyway. There was even going to be a documentary on the process to really reintroduce ourselves. (Or as Nick would say – doc-u-men-TARY.) We wanted 2013 to be our year.  
  
It made all our moves risky, very risky.  
  
I tuned back into the conversation between Brian, Nick and Kevin.  
  
“But we never agree on anything.”  
  
“We can buy those rock ‘em-sock ‘em robots when we can’t agree.” Brian joked as AJ came in the kitchen, reminding me how small it was as he held his phone up.  
  
“What are you doing?”  
  
“A kitchen booooommmmb!”  
  
“Do you have to say it like it goes on twitter?”  
  
“Fuck yeah, hey Howie, say hi to the fans!”  
  
I couldn’t help but laugh. Talk about settling things with 80’s toys. A kitchen without any food in it. Walls covered in creepy demon paintings. AJ sticking some sort of recording device in my face. Kevin rolling his eyes while trying not to laugh and Brian helping Nick come up with crazier ways to settle debates. All in a house that looked like it belonged on Haunted Hill.  
  
“C’mon D, make love to the camera for me!”  
  
Nick snorted. “And fans think Howie’s the gay one?”  
  
Just another day in the life of Backstreet!


	8. Studio Time - Brian

** Studio Time – _Brian_ **

There were things I wasn’t telling the group that I knew I should.

We’d been in the studio all day. Nick was actually starting to go crazy. That’s why he was acting like he was twenty again and practically bouncing off the walls between taking pictures and tweeting. Kevin was attempting to have a serious conversation with Martin Terefe, one of the producers who actually were interested in working with us. We were supposed to meet up with Craig David tomorrow. Not bad for has-beens right? But while Kevin was trying to talk, Howie was tweaking the lyrics on one of the song we voted on keeping. AJ was making another one of his crazy videos outside. And me, well I was thinking.

About what I wasn’t telling them.

“Kevin!”

“What Nick?”

“Kevin!”

“ _What_ Nick.”

See what happens when he gets bored? Normally I’d be jumping on that crazy train. I love causing some chaos with him. But we were going to actually record soon. The vocals. Not just the melodies and such. I was nervous. Studios could hide a lot, sure. But eventually I’d have to perform live so whatever we end up doing to my voice on the tracks I had to live up to, or at least come close to living up to. So it can’t be crazy vocals. (Case in point, listen to the original version of _Shattered_. I was able to pull those off almost flawlessly one time and they tweaked it to sound even better. There’s a reason we didn’t sing it on tour! Having it requested at soundchecks about killed me.)

But as a whole everything was going well. We all submitted songs we’d been working on and then listened without Kevin saying who wrote it (because of course Kevin was in charge of this, even when there’s no leader he leads when we’re stuck). We’d vote and that’d settle it. Nick had the most songs shockingly enough. At least to me. Howie didn’t look too surprised by that. A lot of them were really deep, more than I expected. That sounds bad but sometimes it’s easy to forget how much Nick can put into music if he wanted to go beyond the safety of love songs. We were looking to break that mold so the variety was actually pretty refreshing.

“Brian are you paying attention?” Howie nudged me with a whisper, chuckling.

I grinned. “I’m always paying attention Howard, that’s what a good Backstreet Boy does or Kevin makes you stand in the corner.”

The glare I got from my cousin was worth it as AJ, Howie, Nick and Martin all cracked up. Sometimes it’s just too easy even when it’s not as true as it used to be. And it got the focus off the fact I was being so quiet. Something I was sure Kevin probably noticed. Here’s the thing, humor is my way of deflecting the issues. Someone points out something, I crack a joke. I hear my voice start getting shaky and I start bouncing around the stage like a Mexican jumping bean. Some fans actually get it right when they say that about me. If I’m being a ham, the focus is there. Most don’t realize it because I’ve been doing it so long they thing I’m just being me. And I am in a way.

Like right now I’m avoiding telling the guys in detail what I’d learned from my vocal coach. There’s a difference, I’m learning how to stabilize my vocals more. They’re still shaky but it’s getting better. The problem is that there’s a limit to what that I can do. I learned all these techniques and everything, but it’s gotten complicated and I couldn’t do what I was told I needed to. I didn’t know what to do either, should I do it or should I wait? We had too much riding on this, this next _year_. Wasn’t like I could keep quiet with them either. If Kevin didn’t call me out on it, I was afraid Nick might. I wasn’t sure.

Nick and I are close again but we don’t have the relationship we used to. I can’t read his mind anymore.

“I think we need a break.” Kevin announced. Wait; was it Kevin who said that?

I think all of us were staring at him too because he started laughing immediately. “What, I have to be a workaholic all the time?”

This is how we all start eying the door; the others are probably thinking about how to get out the back entrance. Believe it or not our little studio was found out pretty quickly. I blame AJ’s twitter bombs. We’d picked it specifically because it was small and easy to miss. We have a lot of fans in London and they’re not stupid. Enough videos showing off the surroundings and there they were after Day One. It was actually kind of funny because AJ just couldn’t figure out how they found out. I mean it! When he was there looking confused I couldn’t stop laughing. Love the guy, but sometimes he’s completely clueless.

We’re lucky they haven’t found the house yet.

I think it’s because we banned AJ from doing videos outside the house when we’re there. I’m not going to have poor Q (yeah we didn’t bring much security, aren’t we smart?) trying to do guard duty twenty-four hours, seven days a week for the rest of the month. The last thing we need is a mob of fans that grows bigger each day knowing where we live. It’d be a flashback to the nineties in a bad way. Sometimes I miss our fame from those days but what I’ve never missed are the moments fans would find our homes. That always scared me.

Fans think nothing scares us.

A lot think my wife was lying when she said part of my vocal problems were nerves. She wasn’t. I mean, we were both in denial, I admit it. Because it wasn’t the only problem. But when I started hearing myself sound off, I’d get nervous like I used to when we first started. There’s a reason my eyes were closed a lot when we sang back in the beginning. It could get overwhelming, no matter how many times you find yourself performing in an arena, or on a TV show, whatever. Because you know, you know if you make mistakes it’ll be heard by countless fans who expect you to sound flawless. So yeah, nerves can make a bad thing worse.

Like how I’m not telling them what the vocal coach has been telling me practically every time I see him.

“We could go around London, act like tourists.” I suggested. Anything to get out of the studio right now.

“But we’re coming back to record.” Nick added firmly, causing AJ to laugh.

“Yes boss.” He rolled his eyes. “Because we’re gonna listen to you.”

“Fine, we won’t come back.”

“Cool.”

I chuckled, stretching a bit as we all started making our way towards the back. As we go down the hall, we could hear the fans outside chattering away by the open windows. Thankfully they don’t see us. Q’s leading the way. I think he’s glad for some fresh air too. Sometimes the studio can make you feel claustrophobic. Or maybe it’s me. It didn’t used to feel this way. I hate that it doesn’t feel like home anymore. I don’t know why but I expected it too, because we were _five_ again.

But this is now, not then.

Back then, we’d argue more over petty things. Like who got more leads. Wait, we still do that. Nick and I already had a little debate on this new song about who should get the two major leads. Nick thinks it should be him and Kevin. I told him it should be AJ and Howie. I don’t want to suggest myself anymore. It’s weird because back when we first started, it was _always_ me and AJ on the songs. Nick’s voice changed and then once puberty went away, Nick started getting them too.

“Are we clear?” Howie asked, peering around the barely opened door.

“Yeah, let’s go before they realize you’re gone.”

We hurried out to the van that was parked out back. Q went around to the front to mislead them into thinking we were still inside getting ready to leave that way. There was only going to be a few moments and then we’d be swamped for requests for pictures and autographs. Something we love to do since it gives back to the fans who stuck by us, but some are here every day asking again and again. That’s a little much! Once we’re all in and on the road, with Howie driving (thank god cause Nick drives like a maniac and Kevin drives like a granny, I sigh a little with relief.

With any luck we’ll end up being slackers and I can put off the inevitable another day.

“Where we going?” I asked, glancing outside at the window. A few fans caught on and snapped pictures as we drove off.

“Let’s get some food.”

“Not McDonalds.”

Nick laughed. “Hey I wasn’t gonna say that. I was gonna say Fish and Chips thank you!”

“Fuck that, let’s find us a Mickey D’s and then go there.”

“Don’t you get sick of that?”

I laughed. “No, I wish he would.”

Howie smirked at all of us. “I’m driving so I’m deciding where we eat.”

“When did D get to be in charge?” AJ asked, smirking.

“When Kevin decided we’re adults man.”

“Hey, I notice you’re not as shaky.” Leave it to Kevin to bring it up when I think I’m in the clear.

“What’d the vocal coach tell you?” Nick asked, leaning forward. “I hated some of the shit mine told me.”

I almost forgot Nick went to one after Kevin left the group. I shrugged nonchalantly. “She’s given me some exercises.”

“AJ, you should consider one. They’re usually evil but they help.”

“Yeah, look at the difference it made in Nick, and with your smoking…”

“What’s wrong with my voice?”

Notice Howie’s staying quiet. This is why he never ends up arguing. People think he hates being in the background and you know, sometimes he probably does. When stuff like this starts happening? Honestly I _know_ he loves it. He doesn’t get dragged in the drama; he just helps smooth things over after everything starts blowing up. It’s always been his role and it hasn’t changed. I love and hate him for it. Especially now that it’s around me. I remember when I’d just watch it happen with D. I miss that.

“It’s not wrong; it’s just getting rougher man.” Kevin placed a hand on his shoulder. Of course that calmed AJ down.

“I’ll think about it.” And not do it. Watch.

“So what exercises did she give you Bri?”

I sighed, wishing Nick would just leave it alone. “Plenty.”

“So, you think you’ll be sounding on spot once we’re performing live?” I love Kevin, hate his perfectionism.

I shook my head. “It’s gonna take time.”

“How long?” Nick pursued. “We have that thing on Good Morning America at the end of August.” We’d just scheduled it; we had an interview in a few days too.

“I need surgery alright?!” I finally snapped at him. Not that I meant to be angry but I was frustrated and it felt like all they were doing was rubbing it in. Like how all we had going was about to fall apart because of _me_.

Kevin frowned; those eyebrows of his furrowed together like one giant caterpillar. “You need surgery?”

Howie pulled over in a little side alley and cut the engine. “Why?”

“She says it’s something with my throat nodules.” The same thing that destroyed Julie Andrews’ voice when she had surgery. Comforting right?

“How long will your voice be out Rok?”

“About six months.” I paused. “And that’s if the surgery doesn’t do permanent damage.”

Everyone went quiet then, realizing the same thing I had when I first heard the news. When the coach said that might be it, I went to see a doctor. She confirmed that my career, my passion, might be finished. Nick took a deep breath like he was getting ready to say something he didn’t want to say.

“We…can work around this.”

I blinked, staring at him. “What?”

He glanced at Kevin before continuing. “We give you less solos, keep having someone always backing you live. We basically hide it.”

My eyes narrowed. “Or we can take a break.”

“During our twentieth anniversary?” Howie pointed out. “After hyping it up the way we’ve been doing?”

“After the album and the tour is done, we can take a break.” Kevin promised. “If you’re okay with it. If you’re not, we can stop it now. You can do the surgery. This is about you Bri; we don’t want to force you into it. This year is supposed to be about how we’re standing strong after everything.”

I really thought about it for a moment. If I did the surgery now and I couldn’t sing again, I’d be furious with myself for not doing this and going out with a bang with the group. Then again, what if this made it worse? “No, you’re right.” I found myself saying. “We can work around it.”

Sometimes, you had to take one for the team. I had to take a backseat for the first time in my career.

But I wondered in that moment, if the team was really looking out for me, or themselves.


	9. An Escape - Nick

** An Escape – _Nick_ **

I think all of us needed a break from recording and the documentary.

After hearing Brian say he needed vocal surgery, after discussing it further and returning to the studio yesterday, Howie made a good suggestion. That we work the rest of the day and then take the next two days off. For a break, a getaway from all the pressure. We’d been having fun and all that shit, but ya know, it was still work in a sense. Knowing Howie, he probably saw if we kept at it without a day off we’d probably start battling like we used to. We almost did yesterday. I felt bad but I wasn’t going to apologize.

I didn’t _want_ to tell Brian he needs to step back from leads so we can survive this year. But someone had to.

We had a major problem we kept arguing about too. Probably what lead to the decision we made. It’s our twentieth anniversary. No matter what we’d have to do the classics. I mean hell, we do them every damn tour with songs added in now and then (like 10,000 Promises which should’ve been added long before NKOTBSB because it’s the best song we’ve done I think). I always thought we should take a few off. But this one we can’t just do that. It’s celebrating our entire career. You try telling our fans “oh hey, sorry, we can’t perform any of the classics even though it’s an anniversary tour”. I love our fans but it won’t fly.

Brian’s voice can’t handle that many solos either.

A hand rested on my shoulder in the beautiful country fields. I wasn’t a hundred percent sure where we were at. Some historical place caterpillar brows insisted on seeing. It was actually really nice and peaceful. I turned but instead of seeing Kevin the way I expected, I saw Howie. I grinned a bit, Howie doesn’t say much. In the sense of trying to get something out of you. That was Kevin’s style. Instead what he does is let you know he’s there and just chill till you started talking. And it’s weird how it seems to work every damn time. I’ve tried to escape it.

“I’m okay. Really.”

He smiled at me when I glanced at him. “Okay.”

Dammit.

“I feel guilty okay?”

“Why?”

Stupid Howie and his one word responses.

I sighed, shaking my head. There were a lot of reasons I was feeling guilty. I hated that I had to be the one to say we should just try and hide Brian’s problems till after the twentieth anniversary album and tour. I hated the look of betrayal on his face when I said it, and continued to say we should give less solos to him. Let him have the adlibs instead where he hides this better. We hadn’t made a full on decision on how much we’re going to try and hide. I don’t think we will for awhile. Our relationship had finally started recovering from all the damage my partying and Leighanne’s ongoing hatred of me had done over the years. We weren’t “Frick and Frack” yet but someday we could be again. And I just knocked us back a level away from that by saying what needed to be said.

These were the easier reasons for my guilt, too.

I felt guilty because of how much I missed Lauren. I wanted to break the “No Women” rule we set up before coming to London and fly her out to see me. I loved her. So much that I was considering things I never considered before. Something I’d sworn off forever after seeing my entire family implode over and over again. Yet there I was with a ring I’d been carrying in my pocket for the past two months. Maybe someday it’d actually end up on her finger. I still wasn’t too sure to be honest.

There was also another reason for my guilt.

I was happy. Everything in my life despite the problems, my own insecurities and some of the bullshit, seemed to be lining up. I was at peace with myself. I was healthy and content. The anger I’ve had probably since I was only seventeen years old was finally gone. I had my own personal sense of Zen. All because of that damn heart scare finally got me to see straight. Well that and the book from Kevin I ignored for years. All this had happened for me, I’d won my battle and I loved my life. Yet my sister was lying in the ground in a New York cemetery. It felt horrible and wrong and I hated myself for it. She should’ve won the battle too. God, it’s been what, almost five months? Shouldn’t I have hit acceptance? But I hadn’t. I was still thinking about how I could’ve done things differently. How she should be having the same sort of peace I am.

And I don’t mean in the afterlife.

“There’s a lot of reasons.”

He gave me that stupid cheesy smile of his. Damn Howie. “Nicky…” Twenty years almost and he still calls me Nicky. Can you believe that? “You know what happened with Brian wasn’t your fault.”

I had a feeling he was going with the easiest topic and leaving the rest for Kevin.

“Yeah well, I’m used to Brian being pissed off at me.”

He sighed, because he’s heard this from me before, but honestly it’s the truth. I pissed off Brian plenty of times over the years. Mainly cause for the longest time I called his wife “Yoko”. Then when I got over that, because he saw my cry for help as me screwing up. Which I was, but I needed him. Not the lectures. Howie and Kevin always sort of got that in ways Brian and AJ didn’t. Alright, not fair probably because of AJ and his issues but I had mine too. My first solo stint was something no one agreed with but you know what? Those two supported me anyway. And then there was the whole House of Carters debacle.

Okay that was a fuck up.

But blurring himself out was a bit much.

“Stop thinking about the past.” Geeze, when did he inherit Kevin’s mind reading powers?

“I’m alright.” I said stubbornly instead.

“Look, this isn’t like your fights before.” He stepped in front of me, blocking my view of this random squirrel stealing a nut from another squirrel and racing off. Run thieving squirrel, run! “You’re not a kid and you’re not off making us all worry.” Howie smirked. “And Brian isn’t off with Leighanne ignoring you. He’s having a rough time cause he’s not able to be what he was. You just were the one who said what was needed to.”

“Now I know what Kevin feels like.”

He laughed. “Don’t tell him, he needs to feel like no one gets him. Like how you do.”

Smart ass. “I think he knows I’m talking about you.”

“Why’s that?”

I pointed Kevin who was definitely giving Howie the _look_. “Cause his dirty brow is after you.”

We laughed and before he could give cheesy ass reply, his phone rang. He checked and grinned. “That’s Leigh.” And I watched him go off to check on her. She was like four months pregnant and even though it was the second time for him, he was one of those nervous fathers.

You’ll never see me having kids though. I don’t think I’d be a good dad to be honest.

“Are you really okay?”

I about jumped out of my skin while Kevin just laughed at me. “Fuck, way to sneak up on me.”

He shrugged. “You were spacing out again Little Man.”

Shaking my head I plopped my ass right on down on the grass. Sure there were chairs and tables along the edge of this endless green field but meh. Too far. Shit. It’s wet. Oh well, I’m not getting up right now. “I was thinking.”

Grabbing a chair, he sat down beside me. “About what? Besides the album problems I mean.”

I sighed; if anyone would get it I’d guess it’d be Kevin and Howie. And Howie was dealing with his pregnant wife. “How long did you feel…guilty?”

“Sometimes I still do.” He said softly, somehow I knew he’d know what I was asking without outright saying it. “I’m here living out every dream possible. My dad used to always encourage me but never got to see any of it happen. Not here, where it counts. I know he wanted nothing more than for me to do what I’m doing and be happy but…I’m here and he’s not. But that’s okay, that’s normal.”

“It never goes away?”

“It fades Nick, and you learn how to cope. But I remember when you kept trying to save your siblings.” He paused. “And my biggest worry is that you’d go down with them. You almost did no matter what I tried. You tried for Leslie but…none of that is your fault.” A beat. “No matter what anyone tries to tell you.”

“I know that, really.”

“And you’ll have moments. Just don’t shut us out okay?”

“I won’t.” And I meant it, because really these guys _were_ my family. In all the ways my so called real family never could be. I couldn’t afford to push them away. Slowly I pushed myself off and immediately I heard both of those assholes laughing at the big water stain on my butt. Because obviously that’s what Stealth D decided to come back over.

“Oh that’s smooth.”

“Shut up!”

“Why didn’t he get a chair?”

I stuck my tongue out at them. “Because it was far.”

“Two whole feet.”

“No one asked you Kevykins!”

I really do love these guys. Sometimes I looked at my brother Aaron who no matter what I tried pushed me away harder than Leslie ever did. He grew up in the same life I did, the same sort of fame. But he was stuck having to cope with all of it alone. That could’ve easily been me. It’s sobering really. That’s why I don’t think the fellas will truly know how damn thankful I am for them. And I knew once we got back to the house the first thing I was going to do is try and work things out with Brian.

Because that’s what brothers do.

*****

It didn’t take long to find him really. Out in the backyard taking a photo because by some miracle the sky was still clear and not raining. You don’t realize how rare that is in London. I bet he was “chirping” a picture of that too. I felt my phone vibrate and laughed. Yup, that’s exactly what he did. Man we’re not even inseparable anymore and we could still predict each other’s actions. That’s gotta be scary on some sort of level. I leaned up against the wall and smirked.

“Tweeting?”

“Chirping.”

I sighed, moving to sit on an actual chair this time. “Bri, we should talk.”

“What about?”

“About yesterday, look you know I didn’t say that to be an asshole right?”

He nodded slowly. “I know it wasn’t easy for you.”

I bit my lip nervously. Old habit fifteen years in the making. “Yeah well, I don’t want you thinking we’re sacrificing you to make next year happen. Dude, if you wanted to take a break we’d do it.” I paused. “I of all people can’t try and tell you not to do your own thing.”

“That’s water under the bridge Nick.”

“Yeah well, I haven’t forgotten it.”

“We’ve hashed that out. None of us were innocent.” He grinned. “We’re old men, aren’t we supposed to be wiser?”

I laughed. “You’re old, I’m in my prime.”

“Yeah…” He sighed. “I’m not. I’m going to try every way I can to sound better and surgery, if I can. But we deserve our twentieth anniversary. Our fans do too.” He smoothed a hand over his thinning hair. “I hated that I agreed with you. That’s all.”

“I’m still sorry. And look I’ll put you in contact with my vocal coach. She knows more and she can help all of us.”

“Thanks Nick, that means a lot.”

“I wanna be sure you don’t feel like you’re alone in this.”

Brian sat beside me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. For a moment I felt like that fifteen year old overseas for the first time, upset because I was homesick with no one but the fellas to comfort me. Brian in particular cause the others would find ways to go out to the clubs. That same feeling of safety still followed despite everything we’d put our friendship through.

Some things never change.

And honestly, I’m a little thankful for that.


	10. More Than That - AJ

**More Than That – _AJ_**  
  
All my life really, I’ve been all about images.  
  
When people think you’re nothing but what they see life tends to be safer. If they reject your image, your stereotype, they’re not really rejecting _you_. When I was a kid trying to perform any way I could whether it was puppet shows, acting, music, you name it…you get a lot of shit. Because people just don’t like different no matter how fucken old you are. It’s stupid but after awhile you learn to build up that wall. I remember when we first formed Lou thought because I liked to be different I had to be the “rebel”. It was fine by me because I knew that stereotype would be a pretty damn safe place. That I could be _AJ_ rather than _Alex_ —was how my mom always put it. I didn’t need to care because what bad boy cared, right?  
  
I could hide behind my sunglasses which became my defense against the world.  
  
When that stopped working I fell hard into the drugs, alcohol, and all that shit. I’ve been broken ever since. I remember way too vividly the day I thought was going to be the end of the Backstreet Boys. During the Black & Blue tour I was miserable, didn’t know up from down because I was always either high as a kite or drunk as hell. I stopped caring even about the one thing that used to always make me happy. It led to one of those moments where it showed just how much Kevin cared about it (mind you I’ve always been a little jealous of that weird connection he always had with Nick). He busted my door down and gave me the reality check I needed to go into rehab. Being the father figure I never had but always needed.  
  
Ever since, when I start going too far down I remind myself of that. It’s still the motivation I take with me every time I go back. Like I said, I’m still broken. Hell, last year I just went. Because I also want to make sure my baby has the best father possible. I’m determined to be that. I don’t know what it’ll be just yet (I’ll get to find out after we go home to the states), but I sort of just know it’ll be a girl. It went back to being different since everyone else kept having boys. Knowing I’m about to be a dad it just fucks with my head. Am I ready for this? Can I do it?  
  
Shit, I’ll be on tour next year before the kid is even a year old.  
  
I feel like I’m gonna fucking fail.  
  
Sometimes I look at Nick with the way he let all the same sort of demons—family, drugs, alcohol, beat him down. Yet he rose above and managed to shut the door on it. He’s a whole new person. I don’t get how he does that. I sighed deeply, taking a long drag from my cigarette. Yeah, I’m hiding outside behind the studio while Q keeps a lookout for fans for me. See, it’s the one drug I allow myself to have these days. Not that it’s smart because I know it screws up my voice. But I just don’t think I can handle trying to fight one more addiction. Like I’ll just break and not even Ro will be able to put my ass back together. I still think it’s a miracle that she loves me the way she does.  
  
But she does and she’s supportive, hell I think she was more excited that we got away from the asshats at Jive than we were. And we’re putting ourselves on the line so much. We’re going to revisit all the hell we’ve been through to get where we are when we go back too. All for the documentary. No sugarcoating. We found a director who’s well known and actually liked the idea. It was Kevin’s idea we do it, as a way to introduce ourselves to the world again but honestly. A new album without a label to blame, a film that bares our souls…  
  
God. This was why I loved projecting images to begin with!  
  
“Hey.”  
  
I almost dropped my cigarette when I heard Brian’s voice. He normally doesn’t sit outside with me like this when I’m getting my nicotine fix. If anyone does it’s Nick. Sometimes Kevin if he thinks I could use a talk. He has that eerie way of sensing that sort of thing. Brian does too but not as often. Hell, maybe it’s a Kentucky thing or some shit. None of the rest of us has that power. Howie tries though. I nod at him. “Hey.”  
  
“You alright? You’re quieter than usual.”  
  
“Eh,” I stretched my legs and before resting back up against the building. “Thinking. About how it’s a miracle we’re making it this far. If we’ll survive next year.”  
  
He smiled a little but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Not normal for Rok, really. “I wonder if my voice will survive.” He replied softly.  
  
I bumped his shoulder. “You will, dude you have a gift. It didn’t get taken away. We’ll find out what’s wrong and work with it. That simple. We won’t go on without you either. Fuck, if you wanna take a break you can.” I smirked. “I’ll even tell Kevin for you.”  
  
Brian laughed, remembering the days like I did where all of us did have a slight fear of Kevin. I love him but man he used to have his intimidation tactics down. “I know. I don’t want to.” He glanced at me. “And you’ll be alright too.”  
  
I sighed. “I don’t know shit about being a father. I don’t even have an example.”  
  
“Just act like Kev.” A silly grin and a small chuckle followed. “No, you learn as you go. I had examples and I didn’t have a clue what I was doing at first. Neither did Leighanne. We read all the books but life was the best teacher.”  
  
He wasn’t as fucked up as I was. But I’m going one day at a time to be better. I am. “That’s what Howie said too.”  
  
“What has you thinking like this?”  
  
It was weird but to be honest it was this new song we got today. Our main producer, Martin Terefe, a freaking musical genius in my opinion, brought it to us. Normally we write our songs with him. Now that the label is out of the way we want to show we really _are_ artists. Prove that Boybands, vocal harmony groups, whatever you want to call us—we’re musicians. But this song hit a chord with me. It’s called _Madeleine_ and he said he got inspired while Nick was talking about that poor fan of ours that got bullied for being gay and ended up committing suicide. We’d all talked about trying to send a positive message but man Martin ran with it.  
  
It’s a beautiful song encouraging you to be strong, to rise up above everything and shine.  
  
So of course I’m sitting outside wondering if I can.  
  
“Nothing, just that everything’s picking up like a rollercoaster out of hell.” I said with a little shrug.  
  
“I think it’s because everything’s going well.” Brian seemed to always know. The two of us got close when him and Nick got distant. Nick, well he functioned better but for the longest time it felt like a competition of who wants to have a dramatic rockstar death first. Morbid but hell, honest. “You’re afraid something’s going to mess it up, or that you’ll find a way to lose it.” He rested his hand on my shoulder. “It’s not going to happen. God, AJ when I think back…I think it’s incredible you’re still here and fighting every day. Not everyone can do it.” He smiled. “Your baby will think so too when he or she is old enough to understand.”  
  
I grinned, deciding to lighten the mood. Because I felt like he was right. Brian typically was when it came to me. Just having him sit and talk helped me feel better. “You know I’m having a girl.”  
  
He laughed. “I don’t think you are having it unless there’s something you haven’t told me. Ro’s going to have a boy. We have to keep the tradition going!”  
  
We were three for three when it came to having boys and now the joke was we’d have a BSB mini group for the future generations. Not that it’s needed between One Direction, Big Time Rush, and The Wanted. It’s weird, seeing them now. We get asked what we think about them in practically every damn interview by unoriginal journalists. It’s cool cause they seem to look up to us. They’ve done little homages to us in music videos. I guess it’s sort of like how NKOTB felt when we launched. Well, except for the fact we basically insulted them all the time to show we weren’t them, they’re good guys though.  
  
“My girl will just be the hot lead singer, like Gwen Stefani.”  
  
He snickered, rolling his eyes. “Sure. Whatever you say.” He paused. “You sure you’re alright?”  
  
I nodded, being honest this time. “Yeah. I’m good. Thanks.”  
  
Brian stretched as I snuffed out the remains of my cigarette butt. “C’mon, let’s go hear what they’ve done with that new song.” He grinned. “Even if they change it up, it can’t be worse than that _Baby Girl_ song Nick wrote.”  
  
“I don’t wanna talk about it or I’ll be singing it all night!” Damn if he wasn’t wrong. That was just a horrible song but that was _still_ stuck in my head! Fucking Carter.  
  
As I followed Brian inside I thought more on what he said. How right he was. I was so used to fucking up or having something taken away that when shit seemed to align the way it was for me now it scared the shit out of me. Because I want this, all of this, so badly. I want to have that happy little family that mine (who I loved) couldn’t manage to be. I wanted to keep winning that god damned sobriety battle as long as I could. I want the group to keep going. Next year we’re getting a star on the Hollywood _Walk of Fame_. How insane is that? Immortalized, recognized for everything we’ve done. Twenty years surviving everything the world had to throw at us. It’s fucking incredible. Even with everything I think I’m proud to be AJ. Something I used to think I’d never be able to say. And I’m thankful as hell.  
  
Because these days the images I used to wear couldn’t even compare to what’s real


	11. Feels Like Home - Kevin

** Feels Like Home – _Kevin_ **

August 31st, 2012.

I’m at Central Park and I’m floored. It’s just, I have no words. We did an event yesterday that a lot of fans showed up for but today. Just wow. There’s literally thousands of people packed here and full of support for all five of us. I see signs in the crowd saying _“Welcome Back Kevin”,_ and _“We Missed You”_. I even helped my son Mason make signs because once he understood daddy performed all the time once, he wanted to make them to show he supports me too. Kristin’s holding him in front of the crowd as he waves them proudly. The show? _Good Morning America_ , which was one of the first to offer us support and air time to promote our “return” and 20th Anniversary.

All these fans never went away. They saw us fight. They saw us fall down—to drugs, bad labels, managers, paparazzi. We were on the verge of breaking up yet they stood by faithfully. I left and I came back. Yet they welcomed me with open arms. These fans are part of the reason I’m here. Able to even have this opportunity and those still yet to come. We weren’t done with the struggles. But that didn’t matter, I had faith. Simply because nothing’s stopped us now.

Nothing will.

I glance first at Howie who’s basking in the screams as we prepared for our performance. For the record they aired the songs out of order. With our comeback we also decided to remind everyone why we became famous to begin with. Because of how hard we fought. Because for whatever reason when the five of us sang together, something happened. Something special. So we planned to start it a capella. In that moment where we held our mikes up, ready to begin it was like time slowed down. It reminded me a lot of that first live performance at Sea World. Hundreds of people saw us there. Back then none of us thought we’d be where we are now. For a moment I could see us at the beginning with all of us so young and fresh and unaware of what’s to come.

I smiled at my four friends. My baby brothers in every sense of the world.

Howie, I remember when we were both feeling like nothing but glorified backup singers. I know fans always wondered if I meant that when I said it, since I came back a few years later. The sad truth was that I did. I never quite blamed the fellas. Most of it was the fault of the label who felt that my voice wasn’t commercial enough and that Howie wasn’t as marketable as Brian. Not everyone knows this but he was the lead till my cousin joined. Then Lou killed that because he felt “the cute blondes and the bad boy” would be our ticket. I hope he rots. He’s put so many kids looking for fame through hell. When I left Howie said he understood but felt he couldn’t leave with me. Sometimes I think he’s the better man because he stuck it out when I couldn’t anymore. Because I let the suits destroy my passion. Fans may not notice him as much but I do.

I shift towards Brian, the baby cousin I used to pick on at family get-togethers. While we were both raised in strong, study and faith rooted households he grabbed on to it in ways I never could. When he almost died I felt like a coward for not showing up for his surgery. While it gave him a stronger belief in God, I remember yelling at the sky when my father passed away. We have our differences sometimes but I know he always has the best intentions at heart. He always does. Brian sort of the light of the group. Cracking jokes and trying his best to keep everyone in happy spirits. He’s beaten the odds time and again—that’s how I know he’ll find a way to fix the vocal problems. I’ve known that from the start, all any of us had to do was remind him.

The two youngest of the group, they were also the ones who got lost in this world of fame’s dark side far too easily.

AJ was the one who had his problems right on his sleeve. That’s why he always wore those damn sunglasses whenever he could. He acts like people don’t know but we knew that was how he’d hide. Most people don’t know this because he’s tried to change himself so many times, but he’s one of the gentlest and most sensitive people I’ve ever met. He wants so badly to be liked and accepted but he’s afraid of being rejected so he tries to do things that’ll make it so people reject him on his terms. I’m so glad he’s finally gaining a real sense of himself and is slowly putting all that behind him. And I think he’ll be an amazing father because thanks to his own deadbeat asshole, he’ll know what not to be. AJ’s made so many mistakes but he’s learning them, growing, one step at a time.

Nick gave me a knowing grin as I chuckled a little. He’s always been so excitable. It’s weird but we’ve always been in the same roles just in the opposite situations. He’s the oldest Carter while I’m the youngest Richardson, yet I’m the oldest Backstreet Boy and he’s the baby. I’ll never admit it but sometimes I think we’re more alike than we realize. He has this creative passion for everything he does and wants to pursue everything—movies, art, writing. I’ve always been the same way myself. That might be why Brian told me he became more “Kevin Jr.” after I left. It made me smile, like a proud father. When his family abandoned him in ways I couldn’t imagine we did our best to be his surrogate. For the longest time he hid his problems and when we did catch on I felt helpless to save him. That I saved AJ but was going to lose him as the price. I’m thankful I was wrong. He’s come so far and I couldn’t be happier.

Then there was me. I was the one who dipped out because I felt like I couldn’t do this anymore. I ran to the stage I’d loved during our hiatus. I’d been free from corporate tools who tried to tell me how I needed to make music. That my role was to smile in the background and sing. Free from men trying to drain us dry and kill our careers in 2005. I lived normally after doing Chicago. I had a son, acted a little. But then I started playing music with some friends and the spark I thought had been snuffed out sprung back to life. I learned from Brian that Jive was letting them off. It was like I was given another chance, welcomed with open arms. I knew how lucky I was to be there.

It was the return of the Backstreet Boys but in a brighter, happier way.

Was the album done? Not yet. We failed slightly on our mission to complete the album during our month stay in London. But none of us were too upset about that. It happened because there were too many songs we loved and wanted to try. Too many producers for us to want to stick to just one (though Martin Terefe is incredible). It was just the kind of problem I think all of us wanted now that we were on our own. I never told anyone but I was worried we wouldn’t all be able to tap into our creative well enough to actually handle it. I was excited for the music in ways I hadn’t been in years. I’m looking forward to bringing Mason on the road with me for the very first time.

I gave a little nod at the others. We leaned in…

_“All you people can’t you see, can’t you see, how your love’s affecting our reality… Every time we’re down, you can make it right. That makes you larger than life!”_

And I have to say, I know everything’s changed. I know we’ll never again be that naïve group that got started dancing in sweaty warehouses down in Orlando. We may not ever shut down Times Square again, or break worldwide records though we’ll try like hell. The world may still see us as a joke and want us to stop. We’ve grown and we’ve matured. Even in the six years I’ve been gone nothing’s as I’ve left it. We’ll still fight and argue and say we’re fed up. I’ll say we played it too safe or Howie might say we’re pushing too many boundaries. Nick will be distracted or Brian's cracking too many jokes. AJ will take too many of those twitter bomb videos. The five of us will get sick of each other, as always.

But none of that mattered.

Because being there, in that moment singing for the fans who stuck by us for it all with my brothers…

It still felt like home.

It always would.


End file.
